I find myself increasingly curious about where I am heading in the future each time I create one of these monthly update posts. I have had a recurring problem in regards to following through on large ambitions throughout most of my life resulting mostly from my depression and tendency to get easily discouraged or overwhelmed. It is because of this that I feel so elated how far I have come in the last year. I don’t want to completely make HRT out to be some sort of miracle cure and to at least give myself some credit, but there is a reason it’s considered medically necessary. It may take some people an agonizingly long time to get it, but it will be SO worth it. I may still have overwhelming odds against me but I still feel confident in myself that I can overcome them. Anyway here is article recap for March 2018.
So I seem to have got some interesting stuff up last month. I will admit that there wasn’t too much that I put up that was of personal significance to me that I am especially proud of. The only one I consider notably serious is the first AnnieGal unscripted, but even then I’m unsure if I handled that the best way I could. Truth be told, I don’t enjoy the unscripted videos that much and don’t even want to make them, but rather I feel that I HAVE to.
That I just can’t reach a large enough viewer base through writing and because I also see so many cool Youtube vloggers/commentators and want to be like them. The problem is that I like the end result but I DESPISE the process. The only reason I bothered to make the one on Blaire White was because I figured there’d be a better chance of catching her attention, but I’m probably going to throw in the towel at this point as I don’t even know if she’s genuine about her beliefs. But anyway, I’m at this weird place with Youtube videos where I want to do them but also DON’T want to, and the latter is for a few reasons.
To say that I hate video editing would be a fatal understatement. Not only can I not edit for shit, but every time I mess around with it and fuck things up I only get uncontrollably upset and frustrated to the point of it triggering breakdowns. I just flat out cannot do it and I’ve only learned that it’s best not to try to. The only way my videos will be of decent quality is if someone else does the editing and there’s no way I can afford to pay someone at this time. Even without that issue, I have the issue of long awkward pauses and getting stuck on my words due to nervousness. Lastly, I have the tendency to feel intensely dysphoric while recording, which will lead me to scrap the entire thing. I have no idea if I am going to keep this up in the future so I may just need to take it as it comes.
JRPG Update Pro is, as usual, something that was immensely time consuming and admittedly rather tedious to put together but nonetheless the end result is worth it not just for the views, but also just putting all this stuff together. The Oreimo defense is something I had sitting for quite a while and was something I just decided to put up at some point.
I did start up Amazing VGM again even though I still had reviews I needed to complete mainly because… I just wanted to. And of course one can add Megadimension Neptunia VII, Nekopara Vol. 3, and Silenced: The House to the review queue and I’m back to square one. I did finally knock out Secret of the Divine Jewel which I have been sitting on for a while and I was also putting off posting the Neptunia 1 review due to its length. Both the Yume Nikki and Our Final Heartbeat reviews were solid in my opinion but they don’t really stick out all that much for me.
In a way, the fact that all these satisfying pieces were put out and it just feels like the routine is satisfying in and of itself. I do think there is something enjoyable about working on these and I do seriously wish I could establish this as a legitimate paying career. I often find myself torn between whether to have my focus on writing be on games or on activism given that I have no clue if I can do both. IE if I become a full time career activist, will I still have time to write game reviews or to put together any of these other ambitious projects?
I may as well just come forward with my plan. I am going to submit my next political article as a guest article to a larger site such as The Huffington Post or The Guardian. This was a move suggested by my therapist given that it would spread my words to a much larger audience and that’s precisely what I want to accomplish with political articles. I hope to reach people who need to hear these words; the words that I wish someone told me sooner. I imagine that if this happens then it will become harder for others to ignore my criticisms when I’m given a stronger voice and presence. Of course this would also result in increased exposure which would mean more traffic and more Patreon doners.
The risk factor comes in regards to if I attract a lot of trolls or unwanted attention. I can deal with idiots that just send mean tweets to me, but the concern is more so if any of them go deeper than that and use more underhanded means of trolling; IE they get my family involved. Honestly, explaining all this crap to my dad is more of a concern than the trolling itself but even then the most I see it as is a pain in the ass. Still, hopefully I shouldn’t make too many enemies if I continue on how I’ve been doing since I’ve had supporters on almost all sides. And if not, then I can always take advantage of it by plugging my Patreon in the midst of the stress just to piss them off even more ;P
And of course, thanks also go to the rest of my patrons; Ryumaou, Alex Silvey, Ray Type, Cesar Zamudio, April Daniels, and Erin Lopez. I would also like to think every friend I have made thus far and I am very appreciate of all the support you have given me. You helped me get this far and hopefully we can ALL make it even further. I swear by Amaterasu’s tits that if I ever make it big then I will make sure that you do to. Anyway the future looks pretty bright for me at this time, and I hope that light shines on everyone else who has or who ever will help me.
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