Only about two months left until this site hits its 1 year Anniversary. It surprises me that I kept this up, and I can only imagine that it surprised others as well. Then again, I am a reclusive writer who spends all her time inside and thus has the time to waste on providing a frequent supply of content. My average in views has quadrupled since I start back in May of last year and I’ve posted over 100 articles to this site. It makes me happy to see how well this is proceeding since I am well aware that getting the first few are always the hardest and that as your views increase, the rate at which one accumulates views often increases as well. That’s assuming I continue to create content that draws people here.
Of note is that I still would like to bring some other people on to this site so if anyone wants to write something for here they may do so. Additionally, if anyone is interested in doing a collaborative piece then I wouldn’t mind doing so. Of course it would depend on the subject in question but nonetheless I’d be interested. Anyway, here is last month’s article recap.
Yes, there were less articles out this month in comparison to previous ones. The reason for this is because I decided to put Amazing VGM on hold until I write all the reviews I still have to do. That has largely been what my focus has been last month. While I only got three new reviews up, but one of them was 5000 plus words, another was 2500 plus if I recall correctly, and the Final Quest II review was very short because even thinking about that game drains me emotionally.
I also needed to add a “further thoughts” note to the end of the reviews of Max, Gone Home, and Senran Kagura so that took some time. Now that I think about it, all six of these games inspired some strong feelings. With both Meltys Quest and Amber Breaker I somehow managed to bring feminist themes into eroge reviews without attracting the angry gamerbro crowd which is surprising. Finding out how to express some of these things was not easy but I am glad I managed to.
As for the other two pieces, first there is Continue, Don’t Quit! I wholeheartedly stand by every word of that piece. Then there is the second Blaire White piece. I find that speaking about her is becoming repetitive so I want to avoid doing any more of that unless she debates me.
TW: Rape, pedophilia, incest, emotional abuse, suicide.
As I am writing this, I’m in a bit of a bad place. I have just come off of a memory starting to resurface of a traumatic event in my childhood. I am almost certain at this point that I was molested as a child. I don’t remember the event itself nor do I know who did it, but there is a strong visceral feeling that I did. And while the incident itself hasn’t resurfaced, a few childhood memories have.
I should note that I tend to have a much clearer memory than some people, but it appears to be selective at points. I remember that once as a child I was at the YMCA and there was an adult man who worked there that grabbed me or was trying to talk to me. I can’t remember it clearly but I had no clue what was going on then. I don’t know for sure if he was a pedophile or anything, but my mom was there and she got me out of that situation.
I’ve also remembered some deeply disturbing dreams of mine. On more than one occasion, I have had dreams about being molested by various adults in my life. Some were nightmares, but others were just regular dreams where I liked it during said dream but upon waking up I felt disgusting. The worst part, said dreams included my mother and older sister. Thinking about this shit makes me want to puke.
Maybe now you see why I related so much to Euphoria’s Keisuke. I have no monstrous urges or desires to abuse and hurt others, but the feeling of having such a demented and perverted mind when you are around other vulnerable people. You worry so much what they will think upon discovery. THIS is why I cannot talk to my family. THIS is why I am afraid to go out in public.
I have alluded to these in previous pieces. For instance, the original response to Blaire White.
I specifically didn’t come out because I thought it would be too difficult to do so and I wasn’t as sure back then; and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. The reason for this being that, even though I finally started transitioning, the damage has been done. I have no hope of ever being a normal girl due to all the mental trauma and what developed from it.
Even in trans positive areas, I often feel like I don’t fit in and that I may be judged if I ever try to be myself, and they don’t have any reason not to. I stopped trying to hide who I was years ago and that’s not just in terms of being trans, but also in being a perverted creep with a dark sense of humor. I have always put such a strong emphasis on individuality and not letting anyone else deciding who I am and that was because I couldn’t fit in even if I wanted to, and for a while I did.
Truth be told, I have no idea what has caused all of this. My family is not abusive or anything. In fact, they all care a lot about me. The problem is myself. I cannot fit into this world, I just wasn’t made for it. I have decided at this point that I have no hope of fitting into normal everyday society, thus I decided that I won’t.
THIS is why I’m telling you all this stuff! This is why I’m putting this out there for anyone to see. This is why I am seeking an activist career. To quote George S. Patton, you either “lead, follow, or get out of the way.” It has been made clear that following is an impossibility to me, and getting out of the way results in powerlessness and isolation. There is only one option left by default.
So no, my attempts to become a famous and influential activist are not caused by some anime inspired “I will become Hokage!’ bullshit… or maybe they are. It’s because there is nothing else I can focus on, and also because I know I have the ability to accomplish it. I could have just made this a sympathy porn article about my past and how you should pledge to my Patreon in support. I decided I’m not doing that shit. I’m not going to let my past hold me back.
HRT is pretty fucking sweet isn’t it? And so is my amazing girlfriend Atma. She literally saved my life today you know, and she did so without even saying a word. I was going to kill myself upon my memories of that incident resurfacing, but her face flashed through my mind. I thought of how she’d react, and that instantly stopped me. Thank God for that, I love her so much that it is ridiculous. In the past I have been tempted to compare my feelings to Yuri from DDLC, but I don’t want to crawl inside her skin… at least not literally.
Bad news is I am worried about her. There is a chance she may end up in prison due to her abusive scumbag biological mother and crooked cops. It’s entirely likely she will get off with just a fine but I’m worried sick. Nonetheless, I’m making a point to be there for her when she gets out in the worst case scenario and to help her through it as much as possible.
Anyway, future plans for content… the review I’m currently writing is of Inuyasha: Secret of the Divine Jewel, just so I can get the least interesting of the one’s I’ve been putting off out of the way. I plan to review Yume Nikki as well (the original, although I am interested in the reboot). I also finally requested a review code for Nekopara Vol. 3 so I hope to get that done fairly soon. Then there is Megadimension Neptunia VII, which I am almost done with. I only have to get the true ending in New Game plus and there are apparently some added dungeons afterwards. I’ve put over 100 hours into the game at this point. And yes, I plan to put up my other previous Neptunia reviews up. Fuck that’s gonna take a while. My review of Nep 1 is over 6000+ words for fucks sake!
That fucking Eminem album review is taking forever because my motivation to work on it only seems to come and go in short bursts, but I’m going to finish the damn thing I swear. And as usual, there are the other pieces I’ve been working on that have been taking forever. God there is so much shit to do, but I’m not going anywhere any time soon it seems. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not but I’m stuck here.
Well, time for shout outs. As usual, there are my patrons Ryumaou, Alex Silvey, Ray Type, Cesar Zamudio, April Daniels, and Erin Lopez. Additional thanks goes out to any readers or people who have supported me thus far. And I would just like to take one more chance to plug my Patreon account. It means the world to me if one donates even a minuscule amount. Or if one stops by my Discord chat and says his or talks to me; I’d really appreciate the company. It gets quite lonely for me. This is a difficult burden I’ve undertaken, but I will… no… WE will overcome it. There’s still no gettin off this train we on!