Normally with these updates, I tend to start them out by talking about how quickly the month went by. Last month was the opposite, it feels like FOREVER ago that November started, and a lot of shit happened. Thanksgiving has passed and now it is the onset of the
Christmas Holiday season. As such, hopefully we can embrace what these holidays are really about. Before I go into that, here is our article recap for the month of November.
I have got some pretty strong stuff up last month. Right at the start, I got my Starless review put up, and they say one needs to truly suffer for their art, so this review must be a masterpiece then. Looking up the images to this game brought back the trauma I thought I was over. Those fucking images make me sick even thinking about them. However, I felt the specific need to use these grotesque images simply to get my point across and to show what the game is REALLY like.
I specifically need to give myself a pat on the back for still slipping in those funny jokes and gags. Specifically the “I forgot to include ableism in the trigger section, but if THAT’s the part of this game that gets to you, then you ARE a fucking trigger” quip. I should mention that there is also transphobia in the game in regards to Marika (Sawatari said he doesn’t even know if Marika counts as a woman even though she clearly has a vagina), but I couldn’t find a way to bring it up due to how insignificant it is compared to everything else.
The disturbing video game songs countdown also took a lot out of me since I was listening to each of those songs while writing the blurbs, and since they aren’t all that pleasing on the ears, that tends to not have a good effect. I am quite proud of that countdown though given that not many of these types of list go out of their way to find a large variety of tracks, and most of them have the same overused selections again and again.
I will say that I am also satisfied with the Amazing VGM entries I put up this week. “Voltage” is just an amazingly catchy track and it reminds me that I need to finish Megadimension Neptunia VII, or I could just wait until the remake comes out. “Holding My Thoughts in My Heart” was a nostalgic piece from Final Fantasy VII that is often overshadowed from the rest of the soundtrack. “Reunited” is an amazing piece from Undertale, but I’m unsure how to feel about the article itself. When I originally posted it as a journal entry, I was really proud of it and there was a special meaning for it at the time, but that gets lost if someone is just seeing it now for the first time and can’t put themselves in my own shoes at that time.
My god, 2016 really was a horrible year. I don’t even mean in all the horrible political stuff but also just for me personally as well. What really hurt me the most was that my girlfriend at the time, who I was with for a month, not only broke up with me; she flat out blocked off all contact with me. Her reason? She found out that I liked loli and incest hentai. Of course, this is even harsher in hindsight because I realized that no, I don’t like loli hentai, but I merely convinced myself I was because I subconsciously mixed up finding the drawings cute and aesthetically pleasing, and thinking they were sexually arousing.
For anyone saying “I think there’s a pretty clear difference,” keep in mind that I barely even experience sexual arousal. I’ve been on anti depressants since fifth grade if I recall correctly, and anti depressants tend to dull one’s sex drive and make ejaculating near impossible with additional stimuli. I am still capable of experiencing sexual arousal, but it is a very muffled form of it and it is a LOT harder to induce it. That’s partially why I had negative things to say in regards to the sex scenes in a lot of eroge I reviewed. Sexual arousal is far more passive for me, and I enjoy pornographic material in a very similar way to simply looking at a drawing or sightseeing. Hell that’s kind of why I tend to stick to still images whenever I get horny; because reading or watching porn either takes too long and rarely is enough to sustain arousal.
It’s quite ironic actually. I am so open about sexual topics and say a lot of perverted shit, but when it actually comes to doing that kind of shit, I have practically done nothing. You think still being a virgin at 22 is bad, try having never even ejaculated at 22 and soon to be 23. And the thing is, even if I’m able to stop taking the anti depressants, HRT tends to decrease sex drive as well. I’m likely never going to be able to even masturbate until I have undergone sexual reassignment surgery. I’ll be a gold star trans woman. Hell I just realized that I’m technically a gold star lesbian to. Gold stars all around, what is this special ed?
TW: Mention of Pedophillia
So yeah, I ended up not only feeling incredibly lonely, but it was also what made me feel that my abnormal sexuality made me a true freak when even other trans girls are judging me for it. Hell one of her friends even told me that I deserved to have my intestines bleached and set on fire. Keep in mind that this is said to someone whose younger step brother was a child sex abuse victim, and is also friends with a number of them. It is because of this that I have grown to see how disgusting the sensationalism regarding pedophilia really is. People conflate any interest in children or anything involving beauty to be “sexualization of children” by outrage brigades that don’t actually care about children at all. Worse off is that it prevents people from researching a treatment for pedophilia because anyone who says anything other than “kill them all” is treated as a pedophile apologist. This in turn means more kids get molested due to a lack of treatment options that could have been saved otherwise.
This is why I was initially very scared of posting my piece about the Ruroni Kenshin mangaka. Despite the fact that I was very clearly condemning his actions, this subject matter is so sensationalized that anyone who even views pedophiles as human beings and correctly says that pedophilia is a mental disorder rather than a choice is branded as a sympathizer or an enabler. The thing is that NO ONE ever wants to be a pedophile. Of course, the fact that it is a mental disorder does not change the fact that they have control over their actions and are fully responsible for them. Anyone who tries to claim that it is morally acceptable to be sexually attracted to children IS a sick freak, but there is a HUGE difference between trying to understand something and condoning it.
The key problem with today’s society is that everyone cares too much about punishment and vengeance. The US in particular has more people in prison than any other nation because people are under the impression that you can simply torture people until they agree to be good, when it usually does the opposite. Getting sent to prison typically means that there is no future for someone because no one will hire them, and this means they will turn back to crime. Such a thing is especially common among Latino and African Americans, so common in fact that there is even a term for it called “The School to Prison Pipeline.”
Contrapoints’ latest video was about when people find violence fun or satisfying, and the answer is pretty much always “when they deserve it.” Now I’m not very religious or anything, but I’m pretty sure the 10 Commandments said “thou shalt not kill,” not “thou shalt not kill unless thy victim doth deserve it.” We’ve already seen how people will shift the goal post in regards to which political opponents are okay to punch, but when is it objectively okay to harm another? Alas, Natalie ended her video there, but I shall give my own answer because I R smart like that.
The answer to when it is objectively okay to harm someone is… never, not under any circumstances. However, I merely say this because there is no such thing as “moral objectivity” to begin with. I have recently released what my true theistic beliefs are. I have previously stated that I was an atheist, but I no longer consider that to be true; I’m actually a nihilist.
I realized that there IS in fact, an answer to what the meaning of life is, and no it is not 42. The meaning of life… is whatever the hell you want it to be. There is no innate meaning for us all existing. Everything that happened up to this point all happened by chance, and the fact that we even exist is a miracle in and of itself. People may bash on the ICP song a lot, but it just makes it clear that they are completely missing the point. When one realizes just how low the odds of us existing are, and the fact that we have yet to discover ANY other living organisms in the universe, just shows how unique we are as a species, and thus makes the gift of life infinitely more valuable. I can only imagine that if people did not think that they will live in eternal paradise after they die then there would be a lot less suicides. We have no clue what really DOES happen after we die, and for all we know it could just be that we no longer even perceive our own existence. So until then, we should make the most of what little time we got, even if it isn’t always the most pleasant or enjoyable. Additionally, it means that we need to come together as a species to help the human race move forward instead of merely killing each other.
Okay, enough philosophical shit for now, what else do we got? Oh yeah, more political activism. I have decided recently that I can’t simply stand by and do nothing any more. I want to be a professional activist, and I want to promote empathy and understanding; not hate and ignorance. Since I have no hope of being a normal girl, that simply means I need to aim for the top and never stop; and I can’t give up on it. I specifically want my trans brothers and sisters to live in peace and equality with full access to the treatment they need and without lingering transphobia present. I don’t know how I will build up my following to influential levels, but I’m only 22, and I have many years left to figure it out.
Truly I have decided I am putting every bit of my being into this. No that does not mean I will stop writing about vidyz Geamz, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. In fact, my writing about games simply serves as a way of connecting with an audience on a personal level outside of political discourse. Feminism and video games tend to be seen as things that go together as well as Donald Trump and politics, but I’ve managed to do the impossible so far and have connected with people on both sides of the political spectrum without compromising my own beliefs. Hell I even use all those typical feminist buzzwords like “patriarchy,” “privilege,” and “oppression” and people who are still pro GamerGate in 2017 don’t seem to mind despite me not being all that fond of it. Who would have thought that “being nice” could still have such an effect? Of course, the issue is figuring out precisely HOW to increase my presence when I have no money to do so or know any other ways to do so?
Yeah, my ambitions are getting pretty big lately between that, getting an idea for the type of game I’d want to create, and even considering entering sex work. I don’t know the first thing about how to pursue these and even less so about forcing myself to do things that aren’t part of a habit. Hell my step mom STILL has not shown me around the campus at all to get used to going back and fear keeps building up at the thought of it so I don’t even know what I’m going to do there, but oh well, I guess I’ll just see what happens.
As for gaming shit. Some good news is that my family is getting a new computer for Christmas so I can finally play stuff that is remotely high tech on PC. I also will be getting a Switch for my Birthday, which is on January 28th. There will likely be a bunch of other games that I get as presents to. So yeah, there is a lot of stuff when you add those to the rest of my backlog, any emulatable games, anything free to play, and any review codes I can get.
To update my own gaming progress, I have beat Splatterhouse 2 and will work on writing that review after the Wanpaku Grafitti review. My goal is to at the very least, beat Splatterhouse 3 and Splatterhouse 2010 within the next month, and preferably have the reviews up. If I am lucky, I may even be able to get one of the other five reviews I am behind on up as well. Then again, I have my GOTY awards to work on, a piece about my ideal game premise, an analysis piece about Euphoria, and a political piece about Zinnia Jones, in addition to having a month of winter themed Amazing VGM articles. So lower your expectations if you expect to see ALL of that, but I am still going to go for it though.
Anyway I may as well speculate about possible future reviews. Obviously, Cosmic Star Heroine and Contraption Maker are coming after Splatterhouse 2010, then likely Nekopara Vol. 3. I also have plans for a new Impressions & Commentary AND a new RPGs of the Famicom piece, but I’ll leave you to speculate as to what they are.
In other matters, I have contacted Jast USA and they said they were reviewing my site for their press list, but considering that they said this near the start of this month and have not gotten back to me despite having said I would hear from them soon, it seems safe to assume I’ve been rejected. I suppose that was to be expected due to only having one review of one of their products and it being extremely harsh so I may try again after I have reviewed more of their titles. Considering that I own a fair amount of them, it probably should not be too difficult to do so.
I have played through one route of Do You Like Horny Bunnies? and did not particularly enjoy that one, but I should probably finish the other routes. I may as well since I have forced myself through worse (like Starless), but it would probably help if I actually said something positive about a game of theirs. With Sekai Project and MangaGamer, I already had multiple articles featuring their products but not as much on Jast USA’s front. It could partially be because they don’t seem to have nearly as high an output rate with publishing titles as the former two but I should probably just play one already.
Anyway time for shoutouts. As usual there are my two Patreon supporters, Ryumaou and Ray type. Thank you very much for your support. I would also like to thank Ryona_Violet, who has been very helpful to me in the last few days and has been a longtime friend of mine. In addition to many other friends of mine that I know online, there is one person who I would like to specifically thank, but unfortunately, I don’t feel secure naming them for reasons I do not wish to go into, but maybe I will feel comfortable thanking them by name someday. I would specifically like to thank them because there is something that I learned from them.
What I have learned is that, if I truly want to be an influential activist that is focused around empathy and compassion, I need to do my best to avoid shit talking people I don’t know or making mindless speculation over things I know nothing about. Now that I think about it, there is more than one person that this could apply to, since the past month, and likely some stuff beforehand, was leading me up to learn that if I am trying to bring people together, I can’t afford to carry anymore petty grudges; I need to let the past go. I instead need to focus on the present, and even more so the future.
What I need to do is discourage bad behavior but also encourage good morals and empathy. With how much everyone is focused on shit talking and mud slinging from their echo chambers these days, I can’t afford to let myself do the same thing. From this point on, I’m not just advocating for women’s rights or for trans rights anymore; I’m advocating for the betterment of humanity as a whole. We are so often caught up in “us vs them” conflicts, when in reality, the only conflict is “us vs us.” We are ALL part of the same race; the human race, and our biggest threat to our safety is ourselves. Let’s fix that!