It’s not often that I play a game so dull and mediocre that thinking about it makes me nauseous. I can’t exactly say that Skator Gator 3D is one of the worst games I played, but I don’t like thinking about it. It gets under my skin in an odd way that objectively worse games have never come close to, and I think I know why. This game, is the embodiment of “how do you do, fellow kids?” Skator Gator 3D tries to be this combination between Sonic and Crash Bandicoot, but has more in common with the soulless mascot characters of the 90s that tried to cash in on the former.

First thing we need to talk about, that insufferable music. Most of the music is unmemorable and lifeless, but the main theme Side2Side is dreadfully memorable. The composition is painfully simplistic with almost no sign of real instruments, which already demonstrates a lack of quality. The worst part, however, are those vocals. I want to know who thought that making a low effort 90s toy commercial song as the main theme of their game was a good idea… wait no, the Socker Boppers song does not deserve to be associated with this garbage. The worst part is that this game seems very proud of this song, enough so that each level has a secret boom box that will play this song over the ordinary level theme.

This game really is about as entertaining as trying to force yourself out of writer’s block by writing whatever you think even if it sucks ass. I hate that fucking theme song so fucking much I swear to God! I know I already said it, but that godawful theme song really is most of the reason I hate this game. That theme song is so bad the comments are disabled on the Youtube upload of it. They fucking KNOW that it was bad! It’s why the ending credits theme fakes you out, starting with the same first few notes but switching things up; because the greatest possible reward for completing this game is not having to hear that atrocious aural excrement again. Fuck, I’m starting to sound like the Angry Video Game Nerd… and now you are reading this in his voice.

It’s hard to really put my finger on what I dislike about Skator Gator 3D aside from that theme song. I often tend to look past shitty presentation of graphics in video games, even beyond the typical “aesthetics are more important” crowd. I think that part of this is because I just sort of expect a video game to look like a video game, and because of how many established classics probably look like shit by today’s standards, but it is also because I know that objectively, every video game ever made is just pressing buttons in front of a TV screen. We all know that games aren’t real, so I’ve never paid too much mind to shitty graphical design, just as long as it isn’t bland. See if you can guess what my problem with Skator Gator 3D’s graphics are.

After all, who needs varied aesthetics and level themes, when we can just change the color of the sky box every three levels! And who needs detailed level environments, we can just have a bunch of shit float in water and cover the levels in more fog than a Silent Hill title. Seriously, no one would know this game is set in a swamp if it wasn’t for the fact that the game tells you it is. Everything about this game screams “low effort.”

Gameplay wise, Skator Gator 3D is bland. I can barely describe anything memorable about this game’s design, and I just replayed two levels in an attempt to re familiarize myself with this game. This, ironically, makes it hard for me to find shit to criticize, since the gameplay is so shallow I’m struggling to even describe it. The basic objective is to get to the end of the level, and to collect a bunch of shit along the way. One particularly annoying feature is the fact that you won’t get 100% completion unless you pick up every piece of trash in a single run. Yes, trash is the main collectable, and they’re the equivalent to the boxes in Crash Bandicoot. Also like Crash Bandicoot, it doesn’t matter how few you missed, you have to go through the level again and collect ALL of them if you want 100% completion.

The reason this worked in Crash Bandicoot and not Skator Gator 3D is because a lot more creativity is involved in trying to break every box in a Crash Bandicoot level, and ironically, the higher amount of effort is what makes it work. It adds replayability to these levels, and it encourages you to scour every corner, and to be careful about how you smash these boxes. In Skator Gator 3D, you’ll usually just miss one or two because one of the rail sections went too fast. The plus side is that the levels are all really easy so it won’t set you back too much, but It wouldn’t feel right to not offer SOME criticism of design.

Otherwise, it’s literally just that this game has nothing to it. I completed it 100%, got every collectable, and completed every time trial (which I almost always got on the first few tries), and if it weren’t for that vomit inducing theme song, I would have completely forgot this game existed. It’s not the worst game I’ve ever played, and I’m sure a young child could enjoy it due to them not having developed a taste for entertainment yet, but there’s no one I can recommend this game to. If you’re looking for a platformer inspired by 3D Sonic, you have Spark the Electric Jester and the upcoming Rollin Rascal. If you want a Crash Bandicoot inspired game…. shit I guess there isn’t really much to offer, so just pirate Crash Bandicoot 4 I guess.

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