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Site Progress & Personal Update: December 2020

So It seems like I’m finally back in the habit of remotely consistent update since Trump got dumped and I decided to start focusing on game reviews. Granted updates have not been quite as consistent as they used to be, but that seems to come and go sometimes. I did get three new game reviews out last month, which I consider to be a good thing since the last new game review up to that point was back in August.

And it should also be noted that it would have been more than those three if I didn’t spend the first week of the month trying not to freak out over the fact that the Presidential Election was as close as it was, and if I didn’t spend a week on a new medication that resulted in a depression spike before I stopped taking it. In other words, I think I will be returning to consistent updates soon. Anyway here are the three reviews in question.

Rance 5D: The Lonely Girl (PC): Amusingly Problematic (Detailed Review) (NSFW)

Secret Little Haven (PC): A Deeply Personal Masterpiece (Detailed Review) #TransDayofRemembrance

Standard Review: The Mysterious Murasame Castle (NES/GBA)

I’m currently wondering whether or not I ever want to write about politics again, given how difficult it is to write these pieces, only for so little people to even take interest. That doesn’t mean I can completely abandon politics, but I may need to take a different approach to it in the future. For instance, I plan to volunteer for John Fetterman if he decides to run for Governor or Senate in 2022, and also continue to work with TCSN. That’s not to say I’m completely ruling out future political writing, but at the very least something will be done differently.

As for the reviews I posted this week, I won’t lie; I was scared out of my mind to share that Rance 5D review. I seem to be in the unlucky spot where I enjoy a bunch of edgy meme humor while also giving a shit about people other than myself. More and more, I’m just moving towards a pissed off “everyone is an idiot except for me” phase because on one hand… I have gibbering fuckboys who throw a fit every time a game has women in it or they are told to stop saying slurs. And on the other hand, I have people who expect you to be entirely pure and perfect in every way, and will start drama over the pettiest bullshit imaginable.

And I know that this is the usual picture of the “left Vs right” dynamic, but it’s not quite that simple. The sort of people on the left that are currently driving me mad seem to be a fairly small minority of people, while said gibbering fuckboys make up the vast majority of right wingers. I often find that I don’t think much of the “cancel culture left” one way or the other until I come across some opinionated asshole being an intolerant jackass to people who they otherwise mostly agree with.

And the problem is that there may be a fuckton more of the gibbering troglodytes ranting about how “trap” isn’t a slur, yet I find myself more effected by the angry leftists because, as a matter of principal, I actually give a damn about what they think. So when I see a person that I follow say that fans of the Rance series are bad people… I don’t really know how to react. So I just bother to not engage.

And it is worth noting that I am back on Twitter with a new account. And this person used to follow me on my old account, but does not follow my new one. I’m actually kind of hesitant to tell her I’m back because I’m worried how she’ll react if I’ve reviewed a Rance title positively. From what I’ve seen of her recent posts, it seems like she’s calmed down a bit in the past few years, and I do know that she is still following my ex who was also a fan of the series, so it’s entirely likely that I’m just worrying about nothing, but when I’ve literally had people call me a pedophile for liking Hyperdimension Neptunia, I never feel like I can let my guard down.

It’s that set of paranoia that you start suspecting any of your closest friends could go off on you for something petty, despite the fact that most of the leftists you know either don’t mind said petty thing or don’t dislike it enough to start shit over it. And I get why some of us are this way. Many of us become leftists or some type of activist because we were abused when we were vulnerable, and so we get aggressive and confrontational to drive off potential abusers.

Hell that’s literally what Borderline Personality Disorder is caused by, and that’s a disorder I’ve been struggling with since forever. BPD is supposed to be caused by long term traumatic experiences such as kidnappings, prison sentences, abusive relationships, military service, etc. I have not had any of those, with exception to a few abusive relationships, but the problem is that I already had BPD before said relationships. And hell, I even WAS the abuser in a few of them because I didn’t know I had this disorder, and I kept getting paranoid and lashing out because I couldn’t keep this mental condition under control.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that said abusive relationship was with… pretty much every relationship I had with adults throughout my entire childhood. It was nothing quite as severe as what one thinks when they here of abuse. I was never abused physically or sexually… although I think I was spanked as a young child, which happened to damn near everyone my age but was only recently revealed to have the exact same effects as physical abuse.

Of course, I can go into a lot of the emotional abuse that came from my parents… shit that I don’t think they even realized was harmful. If one has read some of my earlier pieces, one could notice that I’ve always carried some resentment towards my parents, despite the fact that I do care about them and that they have come through for me on a lot of things. My mom died back in 2013, only a few months after I graduated high school, and It did not hit me nearly as hardly as it hit the rest of my family.

I need to stop myself from going into further detail because I risk having a mental breakdown if I were to detail any more. And perhaps this shit is why I have mental breakdowns every other week, most of them for literally no reason. Perhaps this is why I’m so damn scared of the outside world, going back to college, working a regular job, talking to people who aren’t as fucked up as me, talking to people who are more fucked up than me, and pretty much everything.

I literally started this blog with the hope that it would be profitable and that I’d be able to make enough money to survive on my own… that’s not going to happen. That was never going to happen, but I have found partners who are willing to take me in, and I have found that I can use my platform and influence to help others who are in my place, and there are a lot more of us than you think.

And despite everything, I’ve been able to keep this blog going for over 3 years. I can probably chalk this up to the fact that I have a family who is willing to provide a place to say and who genuinely let me express myself… to an extent. See how confusing my relationship with them is yet? And also, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but I’m glad I have.

Anyway, it turns out that it wasn’t the Rance review that caused backlash, but it was my Secret Little Haven review… because I was too mean to the cishets, and by that, I mean they got butthurt that I pointed out they keep killing trans people and driving them to suicide. I regret nothing.

Anyway, time for patron shout outs! Special thanks to Krista, Brittany Eakin, Sam Dermody, IceTheRetroKid, bluedesolation, Dia, and Rin Marina. It really means a lot that you all have stuck with me through all of this, and also that you are still pledged to me in the middle of a recession. Although I kinda hope that recession ends soon so that I can actually get some new patrons, but I’m sure all of us are.

Also it just occurred to me that two patrons have crossed the threshold where they have earned a review request. I did kinda say that once someone has contributed more than $120 through Patreon and has been a patron for at least six months gets one. Only problem is I’m behind on Patron review requests. I would have likely reviewed Celeste by now if I didn’t end up having issues with the PC version. I think that’s going to be one of the next games I play though, I’d like to finish it before the end of the year.

If you’d like to support me so I can create better content, then please consider pledging to my Patreon, where you will also get access to some rewards based on how much you pledge.

Anyway, I am hoping we all have a wonderful holiday season, and that 2021 is better than the last four years… even if it’s unlikely.

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