Cube Master: Light Adventure | Header

Steam Greenlight Landfill: Cube Master: Light Adventure

Normally I try to write reviews in the order I complete these games in, but I’m going to deviate from this schedule to knock this pile of refuse out first.  The reason for this is not just because of how terrible Cube Master: Light Adventure is, but also because it is so mindlessly simplistic and brief that I will likely forget everything about it by the time I’d get to this normally. Thankfully reviewing this game won’t even mean much because the game is so bad all I need to do is show you the trailer.

First thing’s first, this is quite obviously a very bare bones Game Maker creation. The graphics are as primitive as possible and there is only one song that plays in the entire game. That may sound damning as hell to most games but Cube Master: Light Adventure is also less than ten minutes long. There is also no ending since the last level is bugged. I don’t even know or care if there were supposed to be any levels afterwards.

The goal is quite simple; you need to move that big white pixel over to the big green pixel while avoiding the big red pixels, otherwise you get put back at the start of the screen that is supposed to pass for a level. There are no sound effects or animation of any kind, you always jump the same height no matter how you press the button, and said jump button is the up arrow key and also does not register half the time.

Cube Master: Light Adventure | final level
My first and only screenshot of this wretched game.

Even worse is that the only way to even see the white pixel you control is to use the mouse pointer to shine a light on it. This makes the mere act of moving overly cumbersome and annoying, but combined with the fact that you can’t use the WASD keys to move and thus require everyone who plays this game to scrunch their arm over and play in an uncomfortable and awkward position.

This game is absolute scum that would not even pass for a Newgrounds flash game, let alone a Steam game! Predictably, the game was pulled from Steam and I only managed to play it because I got it for free from some site that gave away codes for it like one of those chain letters only somehow even worse. The thought that some shithead probably tried to sell this piece of crap for money just makes me want to rage, but also makes me not able to rage because I’m now dead inside.

Don’t even know why I bothered to write this review since no one can play it, but if I have to suffer the consequences of my poor life choices then so do all of you!

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