It is with great pleasure that I can finally announce that this site’s schedule is now going to be back on a consistent basis. Do to a rather unfortunate break up and about a months worth of wallowing in anguish and guilt, my schedule was a bit off for a while and I am going to take a moment to briefly summarize what happened. My now ex girlfriend Atma Weapon broke up with me and I proceeded to respond in the worst way possible next to lighting her car on fire and posting a negative Senran Kagura review.
Some may have noticed that I have deleted my May 2018 update piece, which I did because I realized it maybe wasn’t the best Idea to publicly post a 5000+ piece about a private relationship when the other person just wants you to leave them the fuck alone. The only way that piece is ever going back up is if the two of us reconcile and she says it’s okay, and that won’t happen for years if at all. I also revised any other pieces that had mentions of her or the drama. At the time I was trying to play it off as taking the high road but I was really just being desperate and pathetic. I want to properly share what I have learned now that I’ve had enough time to locate the problem, but first here is the article recap.
I’ve spent the last month trying WAY too hard to apologize for what I did. I decided I’m not going to spill any more beans about the relationship and just stick to the point. Every time I tried to apologize I thought I had it figured out only for me to later regret what I did. I was well aware that I was doing the opposite of what she wanted me to do, but something gave me the impression each time that if I said the right thing that maybe she’d change her mind, all the while being in denial about the fact that I was just desperate to stay with her. To avoid mentioning the details, I will instead use a game to describe what I did. There is a game that I played a while ago called The Beginner’s Guide that I’ve been meaning to write a review of for quite some time.
SPOILERS INCOMING for The Beginner’s Guide.
The Beginner’s Guide is a meta narrative based around a fictionalized version of Davey Wreden the game’s creator. The basic plot is that Davey shows the games of a reclusive developer named Coda, who makes short 3D environmental games intended for no one but himself, while while he comes up with his own interpretation of them. He shows them to a bunch of other people in order to help Coda get the support he needs and he gains a sense of personal fulfillment from doing so. This all ends when Coda creates one final game meant specifically to bait Davey in to tell him to stop distributing his games and to not contact him anymore because distributing his games made him lose all his motivation for creating games. Davey then becomes so racked with guilt that he creates The Beginner’s Guide, a game based off of a compilation of all of Coda’s games, and publicly distributes it in an attempt to get Coda’s attention so he can apologize despite knowing this is the exact opposite of what Coda wanted.
Now, it sounds like a pretty stupid thing to do given that this would only make Coda even more upset with him (and would get him sued into oblivion), yet he did this out of a misguided belief that Coda would forgive him if he just said the right things. He did this because he wanted to be absolved of his guilt rather than out of serious care for Coda. Replace Coda with Atma and myself with Davey and you basically have what I did.
The popular interpretation of Davey’s character is that he has narcissistic personality disorder, and I briefly considered the idea that I may have it as well. However, it is far more likely that I have borderline personality disorder given that the the way it manifests describes my feelings far more than how NPD is described. The two look similar from the outside looking in but the way they function is completely different. The key difference is that those with NPD have a reduced capacity for empathy and will likely not care about hurting those they are in relationships with when they are upset, while those with BPD DO care, but care so much that they become resentful of always putting them first in their mind that it loops back around and manifests in some of the abusive habits the disorder is known for.
Those with BPD also commonly feel a sense of emptiness, get lonely very easily, and have an intense and often irrational fear of abandonment. It is also commonly believed to stem from some sort of childhood trauma and is more common in women than men (yay validation). The short version is, those with BPD are more likely to hurt themselves while those with NPD are more likely to hurt others, but both disorders make someone more likely to abuse those close to them.
I have spoken to my therapist about this and she says that I definitely have a fair amount of traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, but that she finds me a lot easier to talk to than the full blown BPD patients she has spoken to. Regardless she does plan on giving me a dialectical behavioral therapy workbook for me to use to help cope with these traits. As hellish as this past month was, it does feel better to at least know the source of my problems. I hate that I hurt someone I care about so much but at least I am now aware of what needs to be done. I am hopeful the two of us can at least be friends again after I have fully undergone the necessary treatment, but that will not be for quite some time.
I am now back on my own two feet and have been trying to work on putting my life back together in various ways. I have been going for walks regularly and I am trying to plan outings with my irl friends. I have also made an effort to be more social and to reinvent myself. A lot of what happened last month was done with the direct intention of self improvement and to change my older ways.
First and foremost I would like to talk about my political rant. I have since come to have mixed feelings about my Radical Feminism and the Trans Movement piece primarily because of the role it played in my breakup. I came to realize that by jumping on the “trans activists are insane and need to be less angry or else they will create more TERFs” is no different from the “centrists” that I have openly mocked in the past.
But the thing is that I genuinely think there are a large number of self identified “gender critical feminists” who are fearful of abuse and are being mislead by people with obvious agendas who rely on their fear to promote hate and anger. My piece was more of an attempt to reach out to fence sitters and those that feel misunderstood and ostracized. I have no interest in trying to win over hateful and ignorant bigots but I also feel it’s necessary to at least give them a chance to reach out. It’s how I was brought over from anti feminism, so I know that some people are just looking for those that will treat them like human beings.
The issue of course is that most trans people are too vulnerable to take a risk like that so the aim was to try and lure them out, but when you try to reach out to one side and show that you understand, you end up alienating the home team. There isn’t much I can really say other than that I am sorry. I am leaving the piece up because if I took down every piece I started to have some problems with then half this site’s output would be deleted. But either way, I’m no longer going out of my way to help people who don’t want to be helped. Anyone of any belief or ideology is welcome to follow if they are willing to hear me out but I’m done selling my people out.
But yeah, it’s going to be a while until I can fully overcome my possible BPD so I am letting this be known for anyone who gets closer to me. Until I am treated I am a potential abuser. I am much less likely to abuse anyone in the same way I did Atma given that even with this disorder I’m one to take precautions. I was caught off guard with Atma and didn’t know I was capable of it. I likely had each of these symptoms for a long time but I don’t know if I abused anyone else. If I have abused anyone else, I apologize to you as well.
As I touched upon towards the end of my Revival review, I am currently undergoing a transformation.
The truth is that I DID die that day. To be more precise, the old me died. The key theme of “Revival” is of rising from the ashes after you have hit the absolute depths of emotional despair. This album captures Em’s struggle to reinvent himself following a series of immense tragedy such as the death of Proof and his addiction. The struggle to better oneself never truly ends and the past will always haunt you. It takes a serious amount of resilience to continue on despite all this.
In a way, the past month has been both the worst and the best month of my life. It’s as they say, “when you hit rock bottom you have nowhere left to go but up” and holy shit have I gone up since then. I do not even mean the circumstances of my life but my personality has as well. Lately I’ve had a LOT more self confidence and am no longer afraid to say or do a lot of things that I was afraid of before.
I unlocked my NSFW Twitter account for instance and for the first time in my life I have felt confident enough to post nudes publicly. I’ve also established a new persona as a dominant sex Goddess that I do genuinely love to play up, and I say far riskier things then I would have ever said prior to this. Before I was fearful of expressing my more dominant side out of fear of being judged as a perverted fetishistic man. Ironically I never felt a fear of displaying sexuality until I started taking myself seriously as a feminist.
So anyway about content related shit, I have used a new format for my unscripted rants that involve me using bullet points to keep myself on topic rather than rambling incessantly for over 20 minutes. I also plan to have a new unscripted vlog up each week as to create a more consistent output. I have noticed that my last two videos have also been more well received than my first four. I am somewhat iffy on those first four not just cause of the pacing but also the kind of centristy approach I took with them. I may or may not decide to reupload the Charlottesville rant given that I’m not too big on it.
As for what I am currently working on, I finally began working on my review of Megadimension Neptunia VII (the original) and will be writing my review of Huniepop after that given that I recently have completed that game as well. And yes there still remains the review of The Legend of Dragoon and the aforementioned The Beginner’s Guide. I also want to write an anime review for Death Note and Mahou Shoujo Site when the latter is finished, and I have also considered doing more movie reviews.
Anyway it is time for Patron shout outs. Thank you Meiastra, Dia, Ryumaou, Alex Silvey, Ray Type, Cesar Zamudio, and Erin Lopez for your support. I graciously appreciate all those who have supported me and came to my aid, especially within the last month when things have been the most rough. It really means the world to me. The same goes to anyone who has sent well wishes and offered any type of support as I really cannot thank you enough. I am glad to say that the future of Guardian Acorn is looking up from here on out.
If you would like to support me or this site, then please support my Patreon if you would like to see higher quality content with more resources to put towards it. If you don’t want to spend any money on me, then you can also help out by simply sharing my blog on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, or anywhere else where others will see it. You can also follow this blog if you would like to be kept up to date on my stuff, or you could follow me on any of my social media pages (listed at the bottom of the page) and could stop by The Guardian Acorn Discord chat if you would like to talk to me and my homies.