As I write this, my 23rd birthday has just passed a few days ago. Right now I feel… strange. I would not say that I’m depressed but I am not necessarily stimulated either. I wouldn’t say that I feel bad but it does seem like there is something missing; something I should be doing or have done already. It almost seems difficult to process everything. I look back on my life and see how much has changed and also how much has stayed the same. There once was a period where I held no desire to go on living and simply wished for whatever entity or god that exists to strike me down. That is no longer the case for me. Now, I wish to see just how far I can go in life.
And I wrote that paragraph last night and this one is being written the next morning where my eyes are itching like nuts and I feel physically uncomfortable. What I said in that last paragraph is still true but I don’t feel like faking enthusiasm just so I can keep up with the same tone. I feel confused. Like I just tend to be in certain moods for no reason and FUCK MY EYES ITCH LIKE NUTS!!!!
Anyway, here’s the last month’s article recap.
I am fairly satisfied with some of the stuff put up last month. The piece about Zinnia I am especially satisfied with since she not only responded herself, but she also followed me on Twitter as a result. Prior to that point, I assumed that she had no problems with me but wasn’t fond of my more centrist like perspective that tolerated people like Blaire White and Laci Green (Btw, I no longer support Blaire White. After she blatantly insulted Theryn Meyer over her sticking up for her to Ben Shapiro, I could no longer support her in good conscious. What a fucking cunt.). Additionally, she did say I had some good points about her, which does support my hypothesis that she isn’t as aggressive and hostile as some may have thought.
The FEMINAZI review was another one I really liked as I do find it interesting to talk about these games and the review has some of my best humor so far. And of course, there is the Doki Doki Literature Club! review. I liked getting to actually go over the plot bit by bit for once as opposed to just vaguely referring to certain plot events while trying to keep things a surprise.I originally intended to have this be an impressions and Commentary piece, but I just found it more fitting as a straight up review.
It was also a game that I had some really complex feelings on and enjoyed getting to get them all out. In general, I really would like to know what Dan Salvato himself thinks given that he seems like a guy with an interesting perspective on things. I have thought about sending a message to him asking, but the whole social anxiety thing strikes again. I also would like to know if the similarity to the Lavender Town theme in “Sayo-nara” was intentional.
The piece on the Undyne themes took a lot more effort than most VGM pieces took due to not only the amount of tracks, but with just how much there was to examine. Somewhat disappointed no one caught on to the Cannibal Holocaust reference at the end, but that kind requires an actual reader base. And of course, I was satisfied to get a JRPG Update Indie piece out. I admit I wasn’t the most motivated to actually put it together, but considering that the end result was pretty well received, I am glad I did and this definitely motivates me to continue on with future updates.
So, as for future articles, I mentioned in the JRPG Update Indie piece that I will be reviewing Meltys Quest, a nukige made in RPG Maker that seems to have a fairly sizable following among hentai fans (which doesn’t mean much considering that Starless: Nymphomaniac’s Paradise also has a cult following among them) but is unheard of anywhere else. I actually checked this one out by chance because its translator Remtairy responded to my asking for a code. I will say that I wasn’t too fond of the sex scenes, to which I go into pretty extensive detail why, but it involves a lot of philosophical feminist shit that takes a while to explain.
Regardless, I actually did quite enjoy the game overall. I had some fun with its gameplay and the story, while undeniably trashy, had a genuine charm to it that I enjoyed. It just turns out that Remtairy decided the next title they are localizing is developer Happy Life’s previous title “The Bitch JK in RPG“… yeah they are changing the title. I hope to play this one when it comes out as well, especially since it has been described as “more down to earth” than Meltys Quest in terms of sex scenes.
On top of this, I tried to give Gone Home another shot now that I have a decent computer for gaming. I thought that maybe without the lag and having a new political perspective might change my mind. Nope, it still blows. I do however, want to rewrite my review because I am finding more and more issues with my old one, so I’m not going to just copy and paste the old one. In terms of other future game reviews, I still need to write one for The Legend of Dragoon, The Beginner’s Guide, and Inuyasha: Secret of the Divine Jewel, in terms of games i have already played. I am wondering whether or not I should replay The Beginner’s Guide since it has been so long and it is such a short game and whether or no I should play any more of Secret of the Divine Jewel. I don’t know if I have even got halfway through the latter, but it is bad enough that I doubt it’s going to get better. Sure, I have been wrong before but there is also so much better shit I could be playing. I’m not the Angry Video Game Nerd after all.
Oh, and there’s still the Eminem album review. There’s a reason I haven’t done many album reviews; I often feel the need to talk about each individual song and the amount of shit I have to say often varies. I still am working on the piece about my dream game, and also on the feminist analysis piece on Euphoria. As usual, there are also some plans for political pieces.
I have learned that it’s better to not say what future game reviews will be cause I have no idea how long those games take. However, I will say that I now own a Nintendo Switch that I have got as a Birthday present. With it, I also got Super Mario Odyssey, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and Axiom Verge. I also got ZombiU (Wii U) and Fate/Extella: The Umbral Star (Vita) as presents… and got The Red Solstice and Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs for free through online givaways. Yeah, even when I’m actively avoiding spending money on games, they still fall onto my lap. If only I had the same luck with wom-HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!
But yeah, in terms of stuff I’m currently playing, I’ve been focusing on Megadimension Neptunia VII and A Hat in Time. Nep VII I’ve put over 50 hours into already and still don’t think I’m close to done with, while I’m just starting out on A Hat in Time. The main reason I’m deciding to just stop spending money on games, unless there is a very specific game I’m looking for, is because there is a lot of stuff I want to sink my teeth into but I just can’t seem to retain that childlike sense of excitement to pop in a new game I got right away. As weird as it may sound, I think that sense of excitement causes me to put some games off for a long time. What other reason is there that I haven’t played Persona 4 yet?
Now for the personal update. Unfortunately, my depression seems to be making a comeback. When I saw my therapist yesterday, I found myself so depressed that I needed to lay down and could barely even bring myself to speak. I found myself feeling irritated over the littlest and insignificant things and I just felt awful, and I still kind of do right now. I feel tired even though I just woke up and want to go back to sleep, but I had some really unpleasant dreams before I woke up so I don’t even know if that’s a good idea.
The key reason behind that is quite simple; I want to live with my girlfriend but she’s on the other side of the country. I may as well spill the beans as to who it is… it’s Atma Weapon, the woman who wrote that essay about Katsuragi from Senran Kagura that I linked in some previous articles.
I must clarify that I am polyamorous and thus I have others who I also consider GFs of mine, although I get concerns about neglecting them because of my anti social nature and how Atma just seems to drag me out of that. Additionally, I’m not her only GF either, but we are all present on her IRC chat and I don’t consider myself in competition with any of them, and I consider them all like family. As for Atma, I don’t think another woman has ever made me feel so loved, so comfortable, so warm, and so happy as her.
Currently, her internet seems to be down and thus the wait for her to return is agonizing, but I also just keep continuing to think about how badly I wish to be by her side and to live with her. I feel such a strong sense of loyalty and the desire to be the best woman I could possibly be for her. What I find somewhat amusing is how our relationship is hetero normative AF in theme with her in a more traditionally masculine role (I’ll still punch you in the dick if you ask who the “man” in the relationship is though).
If anything, it is because of this that I am so in love with her. Despite only being attracted to women, I still desire to FEEL more like a woman due to my background as a trans woman. She is literally a woman who took up chivalry for the sake of protecting a girl she had a crush on in 5th grade and has followed it her entire life. She’s not only a martial arts expert, but she’s a literal fucking samurai. Of course, she spent a lot of time in sex negative LGBT circles that treated her as a misogynistic predator for being chivalrous and showing signs that she actually was *gasp* sexually attracted to women. She was even accused of being a man in disguise… yeah, most of those women were biphobic and TERFs as well.
Meanwhile, I was afraid to express my femininity even after coming out due to fear of coming across as childish or a sexist female caricature (in addition to an “autogynephile”). Naturally, we just seem to fill each other’s holes both literally and metaphorically. She makes me feel like a genuine maiden and my heart swoons whenever I’m in her presence and my tear ducts swell up. Yes I know this sounds like some exaggerated romance novel crap and that this is all just hormonal “butterfly” shit that will stop once I’m used to her but nonetheless I love her dearly.
I tend to be very outspoken when speaking online and I am also determined as fuck to make my dreams come true. I may be a strong minded feminist activist, yet being around Atma makes me want to conform to all those sexist gender roles; and the specific reason I’m okay with it is because she clearly respects me and cares deeply about how I’m feeling. On top of that, she likes having a blushing and swooning princess to dote on, cuddle with, and hand feed… oh sorry, I think my heart came just thinking about her.
Yeah, fun fact about me, I feel much stronger stimulation from being in the center of cute and intimate moments than I do from almost anything sexual… unless the physical sensation of either comes into play then I don’t know due to lack of experience. *insert sad Pepe here*
I don’t know if I should keep gushing about her… I wish she were here right now, but I also don’t want her to feel bad for not being here. It feels very surreal that I’m even with her. I recall that back when I wrote my first episode commentary on Keijo, I had a bit about the negative implications that sex negative anti fanservice attitudes imply. While that piece did have some misdirected rage towards “2nd wave feminists” that where disparaged with cringey AIW buzzwords.
That’s how little respect I have for these regressive, sex negative crones. Make no questions about it, the entire idea that portraying female sexuality is sexist is misandric in and of itself. The reason for this is because these 2nd wavers view male sexuality as inherently threatening because they think all men are rapists and are incapable of treating women as human beings. If a man ever has sexual thoughts about a woman, that must mean he doesn’t care about them.
Yeah, having a better understanding of radical feminist theory makes this obvious strawman painfully cringe inducing to look back on. But more importantly was the following paragraph.
Furthermore, there is the obvious Lesbian and Bisexual erasure that comes with attitude. If men enjoying female sexuality or having sexual urges means that men are a threat to women, then how is a lesbian woman supposed to take that? Is she supposed to believe that she is dangerous to other women because she finds other women sexually attractive? Does this mean that she is instead some type of freak or defect?
While it is something that I definitely believed at the time and still do, I must say, I did not know anyone who experienced such a thing personally. I was partially worried that it was something I just pulled out of my ass, but then I saw Atma’s essay and it validated my fetishistic male delusions… yes I’m being ironic, but it’s also difficult to not internalize such claims about your kind when you hear them put forth so often. Yes, I know that such claims are absurd and represent a strongly prejudiced view towards trans people, but knowing that whatever you say or do or whatever your actual feelings are, there will still be people who instantly assume you and all your friends are delusional perverts who hate women, it can be pretty depressing.
And yes, I’ve been increasingly fixated on knowing more about WHY they feel the way they do. While I still seem to have the usual snarky quote tweets of TERF hot takes on my Twitter account, I have grown far more hesitant to express actual hate and contempt towards them. To be honest, I’m not even all that comfortable using the term “TERF” anymore, I mainly use it because other trans people become concerned if I do and tell me that they don’t actually care. I’ve talked to some of them; they care.
And no, this isn’t because I’m having a “peak trans” moment. Rather, I have come to understand that their reasoning for what they believe extends beyond “they are bigots.” I am starting to feel that maybe I should just stop using the term altogether. Do I feel that “TERF” is an anti female slur? No, I don’t, but that isn’t the point. The point is that is that using it sends the false message that I hate them and want to assert dominance over them, or whatever the hell a toxic masculine stereotype does.
This isn’t a topic that I want to dwell on for too long since it is kind of draining to write about extensively, but I am never the type that can just flat out “not give a fuck” about the feelings of others; I’m not Milo Yiannopoulos (and thank god for that). Additionally, the sheer fact that I know civil dialogue is possible with gender critical feminists and have even had some of them encourage me to become a trans activist myself specifically because they think i’d be better at it than most current trans activists (specifically in that I may actually convince them) makes me want to focus on that. Additionally, there is even a certain GCF woman I have talked to recently who has said some… really touching things to me, or at the very least they were touching since it went against everything I knew about “TERFs.”
I had always thought these women hated me. That they wanted me to hurt me and to degrade me. That they saw me as a monster and thus felt no remorse for whatever happened to me or even enjoyed inflicting pain on me. That they wanted me to feel scared, unsafe, vulnerable, and worthless. And worst of all, it honestly came across as if they wanted me to kill myself. Can you really blame me for getting such an impression when I have literally had one tell me “leave lesbians alone, and if you can’t do that then suicide is also an option”? Maybe it is just that after having seen so many people close to me subjected to abuse and hate from them that makes the act of earning the trust of any of these women feel more significant, and that I need to find a way to resolve things instead of simply adding fuel to the fire. Anyway I may say more about this in a future piece.
One last thing I would like to mention is that some people who work for MangaGamer have shared my Euphoria review, and it naturally feels amazing to have that kind of attention (although I was apparently off about it including an Undertale reference, but I’m leaving it in there with an addendum just cause it’s funny). Considering that one of them even joined my Discord group and wrote her own piece about the game’s personal significance to her, that is immensely satisfying.
Anyway, all that is left is to shout out my patrons as usual, so shout out to Ryumaou, Ray Type, Erin Lopez (she also gave me $20.00 on Paypal, thanks so much sis <3), Cesar Zamudio, April Daniels, and Alex Silvey. I greatly appreciate all your support and am lucky to have all six of you, as well as any other friends and or supporters I have earned thus far or ever will earn.
Actually, there is one last thing I would like to announce; I am going to write a book. It will be a nonfiction book called “The Golden Rule” that is meant to deconstruct and examine the very nature of human morality and interaction. The title comes from the key lesson that most of us are taught to abide as kids yet almost none of us carry it past the second grade “treat others the way you want to be treated.” Yes I know, it can’t be take literally or otherwise you’d have perverts like me groping every woman I come across, but that’s besides the point. I plan for this book to be not quite as humor focused as my writing on this blog is because this is something I am very serious about. Not that there won’t be any jokes involved or anything…
Anyway, I have some pretty strongly ambitious plans for this book. I do want to take the traditional publication route. Yes, trying to get something published when you are a jobless college dropout (and yes, I don’t have any current plans to go back) in this society is kind of like trying to have consensual intercourse after a date when you’re a trans woman, you’re date is a TERF, and said date was watching A Serbian Film… okay yes I’m suddenly okay with using the anti female slur for the purposes of a very tasteless end joke…
Point is, I know that shit is difficult. Hell I know all of my life goals are difficult; my life is set to “Dante must die” difficulty, and I never even played a Devil May Cry game so that’s a double whammy! And I don’t just mean being trans either, I mean also being the type that would rather drink herself to death on Trump Vodka than live with a traditional 9 to 5 job I hate, and I honestly think trying to get laid after watching A Serbian Film would be easier than either (although maybe Trump Vodka would help… ME YOU PERVERTS, not HER!!)… but I don’t want to do that either so I’ll just try to get this book published. In the mean time, I will likely put the first draft of some chapters up for public viewing or as Patreon rewards to help generate interest and gather feedback.
Anyway, hopefully the rest of 2018 continues to go this smoothly.