TW: Depression, confinement, suicide, harassment, stalking, transphobia.
I’ve made it clear from this site’s foundation that my end goal is to make this site profitable, and that I have hoped for my writing to connect with some people enough for them to want to support me financially. I ask for financial support due to the fact that I suffer from crippling agoraphobia, which manifests as a fear of the outside world. I find this fear too overwhelming for me to even complete college, let alone get any type of career to support myself. As a result, I am practically locked up in this house living under my dad with little social or financial freedom. I am 22 years old, soon to be 23, yet I am still living like and being treated like a child by my father, and he has been less than helpful in this regard. This has caused a great deal of torment for me over the years. I have become withdrawn from my family and have started to harbor serious resentment towards my father and step mother for their lack of agency. They have repeatedly told me they would help in various way but they almost never follow through unless I pester them.,
This would not be a problem if this were not for the fact that I have some seriously horrific social anxiety as well, and even so much as doing that puts a tremendous strain on me. As such, I am afraid of the outside world and I HATE the house that I live in and am frustrated with the people I live around. I don’t want to say that my father or step mother are bad parents, but I DESPISE living in this environment, and it is clear that these two are not making things any easier. Yes, they do buy food, groceries, and provide shelter in addition to any physical necessities, but my psychological needs are not met, and each day that passes as I realize my own powerlessness, the stronger the urge to end my own life grows. I try to maintain a calm and rational tone in these articles, but I am truly starting to grow desperate. I… don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Yes, this blog has likely gained a much stronger following in the 7 and a half months it has been up, but that is because I have been pouring nearly every conscious moment into this blog. The only way I have kept myself going is by imagining that I will become a popular and influential figure in the future, and that I just need to work harder. However, the only reason I have been able to get this far is because It is an example of do or die put into effect, and there have been multiple instances where I wanted to do the latter instead. In fact, I don’t know why I haven’t done so, it seems like the logical choice. Even assuming there is no heaven, I would not be able to perceive my own pain if I were dead.
I present myself as a strongly empathetic and compassionate individual, but there is hate in my heart, and there is STRONG HATE; and not just at any one group either. I am talking about hate for everyone and everything. My mental state continues to slip further and further into madness but no matter how much I scream and plead, nothing happens. No one shows up at the exact time I need them and the few times they do, they can never do shit. It has nothing to do with their character or their personality, but rather my hate stems from the fact that humanity as a whole lets this happen to millions of others and does nothing. Others have experienced far worse than I have, but I rarely see anyone helping them other than offering any form of sympathy, but “sympathy” does not do shit.
The worst part is that I’m no different. Granted I already get such a meager amount of money and I still use it so friends of mine can afford necessary life essentials or towards political campaigns so pedophiles don’t get elected to congress, but It’s not enough. How can I help others out, if I can’t even help myself? This hate burns in my mind and it burns for everything and everyone, including myself. I don’t know where else I’m going with this, other than to let your peer into my mind, if you can even call it that, and see what I am dealing with. This blog is not just a game review blog or a political blog; it’s a cry for help.
So anyway, that has been my attempt to simultaneously vent my feelings while also guilt tripping you into giving me all your money. Seriously though, remember that my mood can be kind of up and down and that when I wrote those first few paragraphs, I was missing one of my key medications and was thus more susceptible to serious depression. I decided to keep them in simply because this IS a personal blog and to emphasize what I felt at that time. I should mention that a few days ago I suffered a mental breakdown on Twitter regarding my isolation and posted my Patreon account in response claiming that I couldn’t afford to hang on to my pride anymore and didn’t care if I was mocked for e-begging. In response, I got THREE new patrons, which really made me feel better. Granted, the total amount I get is now $11.00 a month which still isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but the sheer fact that five people pledged to me is something I cannot possibly express enough gratitude for. Hell I can’t even express enough gratitude for 1 person doing so.
As a result, I now feel a stronger urge to get my Patreon overhaul posted. Unlike previous updates about my Patreon account, this is meant to completely overhaul the system and will void all previous updates, which thus means they are all hereby void. I say this because I realized that the rewards I offered were not as appealing as I thought and are also impractical. Thus I am no longer having any “I will do a review/opinion piece/commentary on what you request.” I say this because the fact that I put off my reviews of Contraption Maker and Cosmic Star Heroine for this long shows that I am NOT good at following through on these obligations. I will still be reviewing those two games but will not be doing any more requests, as I would much prefer to do what I feel like doing myself.
Here is what the new rewards will be. The $1.00 tier reward will be the same as before, but the difference is that I will actually start having Patron exclusive content. I likely am not going to post serious content behind paywalls, but this will rather be host to things such as first impressions on games or shorter pieces on stuff I don’t feel like doing a full review of. I basically plan to use this as a place to host shorter pieces that I don’t feel would make for full articles. The $5.00 $3.00 tier reward will be a Q&A piece with up to 10 questions of the patron’s choosing, Note that I am a pretty open book when it comes to these questions so the only ones I won’t answer will be ones that I feel will cause someone active harm or that will enable illegal activity. So yes, that can include perverted questions. The $10 $5.00 tier reward will be access to a monthly live stream event that will only be available to a select few people otherwise (those being close friends of mine). I am keeping it a monthly thing for now because I do no know much about live streaming and technology always fucks with me so I will need to learn how to get it to work. I will figure it out though as it is always something I have wanted to do. The $20 $10 tier reward will get you a private video chat with me via a service such as Skype or Discord (likely the latter since Skype is a piece of shit). The reason I have this as the most expensive category is because of my reclusive nature and that I only tend to have video calls in a select few instances with close friends. Nonetheless I do feel this would make for an interesting occurrence… unless you’re a creeper with zero social skills that is. (Note: If you’re response is to say “well that excludes me then” it probably doesn’t exclude you since creepers tend to have little awareness of their social ineptitude).
So yeah, I’m unlikely to have any tiers higher than that as to not appear greedy and because I don’t know much else I can afford or have the patience to do. Of course, I am also going to change the goal descriptions because I don’t feel like hiding lets plays or anime commentaries behind paywalls and would rather just do them when I feel like it.
Lastly, I would like to acknowledge that I should probably stop trying to bullshit people with the “it’s for the site and not for personal use” disclaimer in regards to the money. The reason is that I consider this site to be an extension of myself and just about anything I use the money towards can be twisted to justify as being “for the site” anyway, so it will be better to just say that this is just so that I can make at least somewhat of an income off of my work. Additionally, I pretty much put my soul into this site so anything that benefits me will also benefit the site in some way. I also imagine that anyone who supports me doesn’t mind what I use it on as long as it is helpful, or they just want the rewards.
So I will just plug my Patreon page one last time by saying that every little bit helps, even the $1.00 pledges, so if you want to support me but worry that a $1.00 pledge isn’t enough; don’t. All of them add up, and the simple act of seeing the number of Patrons go up is immensely satisfying, regardless of the amount of money being pledged. My ultimate goal is to make Guardian Acorn into a site that is profitable enough on its own that I can afford to pay off the WordPress business plan. I do also plan to start having others writing for this site, and if it ever gets to that point then “exposure” won’t cut it (especially if it’s exposure to the sun’s rays).
But there is one last incentive to add on top of that. The more income I make, the more cute and sexy clothes I can afford, and anyone who has followed me on social media knows that I like taking cute selfies, so I’m sure most of you would like to see more of these.
I rest my case.