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Site Progress and Personal Update: September 2017

TW: References to suicide, rape, animal abuse, pedophillia and violence… yep, I talk about Starless and Shoujo Tsubaki again in this article. Also towards the end it starts to get sad as I talk about death and grief.

I can’t decide whether or not it felt like this month went by quickly or slowly, but all I can say is that my mind has been bouncing all over the place. I will go from happily enjoying myself in the day to having an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night on more than one occasion. This is more than likely because of HRT as it has been known for making people a lot more emotional. The funny thing is that even though I often look at the news around me and break down because it feels like the world is going to end, the fact that I can feel these strong emotions makes me feel…alive. It feels like HRT has unlocked all these pent up emotions in me and I am now able to feel so much more than I did before. I have often said that I was emotional even prior too HRT, but this is a whole other level. Anyway, here is the recap of last month.

Amazing VGM: Shadowlord (NieR)

Steam Greenlight Landfill: Lamia’s Game Room

Quick Review: 99Seconds (WiiU/DS)

My Name Is Addiction: Poetic Horror at its Finest

Ruby Striker: Brief but Hardcore Tentacle Action (Eroge Review) (NSFW)

Amazing VGM: Demo Loop (I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream)

AnnieGal Unscripted: Nazis in Charlottesville (and what it means)

Quick Review: Lapis Gunner (PC)

Amazing VGM: Ephemeral Memory (Chrono Cross)

Keijo!!!!!!!! Episodes 1 and 2: Because Fuck Kotaku

Amazing VGM: Boss Battle 3 (The Legend of Dragoon)

Looking Back: Did GamerGate Really Play A Role In the Rise of Trump?

I just noticed now that I did not put up any new reviews last month, and all 5 were reposts reedits of my older ones. Regardless, I do like the new content that I created. I am still looking into a way I can bring back JRPG Update effectively, but I haven’t found one yet. Mainly, I would like to write the remaining reviews that I still need to get to. I recently put up one for Bleed as a Steam Greenlight Landfill installment, and that Yooka-Laylee review has finally been written and I’m just putting the finishing touches on it before submitting. That leaves The Legend of Dragoon, The Beginner’s Guide, and those other two garbage Steam games that I will be surprised if anyone remembers. I will say that I am considering something a bit different for The Beginner’s Guide though.

Also I will say that I am very close to being 100% with The Tenth Line, and by “very close” I mean I’m on the last post game boss. I will just say that the post game bosses in this game are fucking brutal. I’d probably even go as far as to say that Sans was an easier superboss than the two I already beat and the last one I’m currently on. Hell, I would say the the first phase of the final boss is probably about that level of difficulty to. These bosses honestly feel like they are too luck based and frustrating to be enjoyable, but at least it s satisfying once you finally beat them. Of course, this will be explained in further detail once the review comes along. (Update: The game is now beaten)

As for other plans, I am considering just buying Amber Breaker off of DLSite since it is on sale for half price and to just finish off the Jewel Star trilogy. I have been told by a MangaGamer PR rep that the reason it was taken off the store was because their new hosting site strongly objected to the content present in the game. Considering what was in the first two games that ARE still up, there must be some pretty fucked up shit there, which is what kinda has me curious. And speaking of fucked up shit…

I have decided that the next game I will request as a code from MangaGamer will be for the infamous erotic horror visual novel Euphoria. Getting a code from MangaGamer definitely makes trying out this game more convenient for me. Euphoria is a game known for grotesque and disturbing sexual content, and it is not the first eroge of that type that I have played. The previous one I have played was Starless: Nymphomaniac’s Paradise, and if you have followed my review prior to this site, you would know that simply saying “I disliked this game” would be a severe understatement.

Not only did I think Starless was a terrible game, it also a horribly scarring experience that left me traumatized for a few days after completing it (I completed most of the game in 2 days due to it having the “literal train wreck that you can’t look away from” effect). However, I should note that the reason this game had such a horrific effect was not because it was gross or disturbing. Rather, it was the grotesque shock content combined with literally every other problem this game had that created an experience that transcended beyond being boring and tedious into “literal torture,” and I know game reviewers like to exaggerate the games quality a lot but I’m not. I already have a few screws loose in my head and have some depraved thoughts, but if you forced a normie to play through this game in its entirety, it will more than likely cause serious psychological distress. No kidding, some of the symptoms I experienced after finishing Starless were similar to that of what I heard rape victims experience.

And yeah, I started to go off topic on explaining how it was not just grotesque content at fault, but that’s just the kind of effect this game had on me; whenever the subject comes up, everything starts to come spilling out and its hard to remain stable. But anyway, yeah, it wasn’t just scarring content, as if it were just that, I would have gotten over it quicker. Hell, I reviewed Shoujo Tsubaki a while back, an anime movie that features puppy killing and child rape, both of which were seriously discomforting to watch, yet I was still able to appreciate the artistic value of what it held that many others look past.

I can get over disgusting and shocking content, but what gets to me more than anything is the fear of being trapped, or confinement. This is likely due to my status as a trans person who is literally trapped within her own skin with no way out, but it is also because a lack of control and being forced to keep going even when you just can’t handle anything pretty much sums up high school for me. Towards the 2nd semester of my senior year, my psychiatrist fucking up the medication caused serious depression and anxiety, but I had to force myself to keep going because otherwise I’d be held back for missing too many days. I was just barely able to get a high school diploma, but not everyone with my disabilities can manage that, and I’m not just talking about dysphoria. The fact that everyone else around me not only accepts this kind of life style, but also expresses such strong contempt for anyone who doesn’t comes across as scary to me.

But what has really disturbed me about Starless is simply how I felt playing it. The fact that it has enough substance to shock and invoke true feelings of despair and misery, yet not enough to do anything else. I generally don’t have a problem with frightening content as long as there is necessary emotion, tension, and payoff. I absolutely loved the Corpse Party series despite all the twisted and sickening gore present, but the problems I had were the ending of the first game, and the padding and filler in the 2nd (and the fact that the 3rd game, while an excellent and thrilling story, was nowhere near as scary as the first two). It basically meant that it was a bunch of grim dark events with no payoff, which greatly contributes towards darkness induced audience apathy and discourages emotional investment.

Shoujo Tsubaki was a mixed bag on this because it relied so much on shock horror and that you become accustomed to it, but there is at least a small glimmer of hope… only for it to be completely shattered by contrived coincidence, but at least there it had a more Shakespearean ironic tragedy vibe where *SPOILERS* Midori thinks Masamitsu has abandoned her after deciding to marry her when in actuality, Masamitsu was killed by a runaway robber. This leads to Midori committing suicide at the realization, while she would still be alive if she hadn’t immediately assumed the worst possible scenario.

Starless, however, had none of that because every character was so bland and unlikable that you didn’t care about them, that you already knew they would get screwed over, and that the story itself is not interesting in the least. Yes, there were a few decent endings, but it didn’t feel like it. You instead feel like a scarred war veteran in that, even though the war is over, everything you saw was so traumatic and the experience was so horrific and unpleasant that it sticks with you. Some parts ma have been worse than others but the whole thing was so unpleasant and emotionally draining that you can’t separate them.

-And yes, I just went on for 7 paragraphs about how much this game traumatized me, yet I’m still checking out Euphoria? Well, the key difference here is that this game at least knows what it is, and it actually looks very good story wise, and I’ve heard mostly positive things about it. And the thing is, I won’t be affected as badly as with Starless if it is, and I can pretty much tell that this will be the case. I can tell this one will be different, and if it isn’t, then at least I didn’t drop $50.00 like last time; and you will all be the first to know.

Anyway, i have a lot of other stuff in mind, but I’m not going to mention everything now in case I end up abandoning them, so I will focus on the site progress, or lack thereof. No new patrons  and my 1 current patron has decreased his pledge so I have been brought down quite a bit. I feel like I may need to come up with some better ideas for rewards because the current system is not cutting it. I do at least seem to be doing fine view wise though, at least for someone of my status. I have not had a major hit the same level as my pieces about Jed Whitaker or Zinnia Jones, but my GamerGate Trump article was pretty successful, and unlike my piece on Zinnia, I didn’t tag anyone with this.

However, I am reminding myself that I don’t need to rush things, as I have my family to support me and I don’t need to worry about paying bills. I have found that it was easy for me to forget all of the good things that I have and it’s easy to become accustomed to it and to get all mopey and miserable when something throws a wrench in those plans. First of all, the fact that I’ve gotten this far is impressive considering most don’t even get here. 2ndly, I have a large network of support and have managed to build up a game backlog that is bigger than Donald Trump’s ego, which means I will always have options and can almost always pick whatever I think is most interesting, and that is without the inclusion of review codes.

And outside of this blog, I have a very respectful and loving group of friends and comrades, and I’m in a consensual polyamorous relationship with three different girls at this time, all of whom I love and care for deeply, as well as simply enjoy being around. It is as I said on Twitter the other day, If you told my 12 year old self that “in 10 years, you will have 3 girlfriends and will also be a girl” I would be hesitant to believe it. For many years, I never thought it was possible to break out of these pre established rules that I never questioned. I knew that some people got “sex changes” back then, but I thought that wasn’t me simply because it would have been too inconvenient to come out, and I see how many LGBT people still do that. 2 of my three aforementioned GFs are trans (well, one of them is more than likely nonbinary but same idea) who didn’t think they could be trans because they didn’t meet a necessary quota, when that’s not how it works.

Seriously, the “transtrenders” narrative needs to take a nosedive off a cliff into a Sarlacc pit. It is doing nothing other than keeping people from coming out because they think they can’t be trans but really want to be. If you’re instinct is to be hostile towards anyone who doesn’t remotely fit the trans narrative because of the chance they will regret it and become a douchebag like Walt Heyer who decides that because he thought transitioning wasn’t right for him, that clearly it isn’t right for anyone else, then you have a serious case of mistaken priorities. Never mind that those who do detransition probably have the common sense to realize they are in the minority and will feel like shit because transphobic scumbags use them as ammo towards trans people as a whole. No, instead of maybe focusing more on combating said transphobic fucktrolls, you instead do damage control by policing your own kind so that you can improve your PR for people THAT ALREADY HATE YOU!!!!!

About a year ago, just about everyone was saying that Riley Jay Dennis and Milo Stewart were both “transtrenders,” only to be proven wrong when Milo starts taking testosterone and Riley had her first facial feminization surgery. Hell even Blaire *i think allowing kids to receive treatment to a traumatic and scarring mental disorder that could ruin their life or even drive them to suicide is child abuse* White admitted that she fucked up and made an entire video apologizing to Riley… when the video before that was also about Riley and  she seriously said, word for word; “I mean shit, it must be really tiring to constantly assume just the worst possible intentions from everybody.” And queue losing horn sound effect.

So yes, your two biggest examples just blew up in your face, and even if they didn’t, there’s no actual evidence that these people are “faking” being trans. If there is such an huge epidemic of “trenders” then why are rates of transition regret so fucking low? If there was such an epidemic of people only transitioning to be cool and hip, then we’d have an increase in detransitioning. Yes I know, the data is back from before trans people got mainstream exposure, but that still confirms that there is NO evidence to go on! The only thing there is to back this is “a hunch” and chances are, that is because of close mindedness.

I really don’t feel like branching off into too much more political commentary in this update, so I will just try and leave it at that. This just frustrates me. There was even one prick who said I, of all people, was a trender… because he thought I was ugly. He was simultaneously telling his followers that he has nothing against “reasonable” trans people (of course, by which he means trans people who are mindless cattle who care more about their right to be assholes than their right to exist without discrimination) while also retweeting “muh biology” arguments at the same time. Is it not obvious that this is nothing more than a damage control attempt, not different from how racists will call black people “thugs” instead of the “N” word. Trans people, stop encouraging these troglodytes!

Well anyway, I don’t feel there is much more other than that I am notably proud of my GamerGate article and that traffic IS steadily increasing. So anyway, I would like once again thank and shout out Ryumoau for being my Patreon supporter, and all of my friends whom I do not know whether or not I should mention by name in this article. Also, I would like to specifically pay my respects to a Youtuber who died last month that I watched regularly and held a lot of admiration for, that being Emer Prevost, aka He11sing920.

I initially wanted to make an article about his death, but I couldn’t bring myself to extensively write one, as I felt trying to do so would be seen as an attempt to draw traffic. Anyway, I will say that he had a fairly intimidating presence as he did not tolerate any bullshit and nonsense, but he also had serious principals that he always stuck to. I specifically remember how in a Stream, despite him being anti feminist, he notably expressed how it is a shitty move to compare feminism to ISIS the same way some of them have done with GamerGate. Additionally, even though he was against the Queer Kids Stuff Youtube channel, he was firmly against the petition to get it shut down because he felt that parents should have a responsibility to keep an eye on what their kids watch, not Youtube. With how many “free speech” warriors  we have today that will fight anyone to the death over the right for a white supremacist to scream out slurs in public, but the moment you ask them to call a trans person by the right pronouns they screech about suppression of speech, it was refreshing to see someone who truly stuck to their values like that.

I do seriously regret not talking to him in his Discord chat while he was still alive, despite him seeming like someone I could get along with. As cliche as it sounds, it just tells you that you never know when life will take someone away from you, and that every step you take is one step closer to your final breath. Of course, I don’t fear death, but i do get scared about if those that are around me die. What if my dad dies in a car accident on his way home from work? I have such a rocky relationship with him due to his difficulty fully accepting me as a girl and because his tendency to treat me like a child, but I think about what would happen if he died, and the last he remembered was him thinking that I hate him. That already happened with my mom.

I can only assuming that latent, undetected dysphoria and anxiety had a negative impact on me to the point that I walled myself off from everyone, including my family. I got in so many fights with my mom that I felt relieved when she was hospitalized because It meant less fights. One would think that my tone would have changed when she died for real, but there was nothing. I was used to her being gone because she was in the hospital for 3 months prior, but it still wasn’t right that I was so unaffected, and I knew it even back then. At the time, i just wanted to live on my own. It didn’t occur to me until much later that she must have thought she was going to die while her son (this was prior to me coming out) hated her and was flying off the handle all the time.

As I started transitioning, symptoms of depersonalization started to fade and I could feel real emotions. I started to be able to feel sadness at her absence, but there was still this habit of always having memories of the worst moments with her coming to mind when I look back. I’m probably going to go listen to “Headlights” by Eminem after I publish this article However, ever since starting HRT, I’ve been able to feel so much more, and as I was writing this, I seriously started crying like nuts remembering her. Yet, despite this, I’m not miserable in the slightest. In fact, I don’t think I’ve felt this good in my entire life. Just the fact that i can feel these emotions now, it makes me unbelievably happy! I just hope HRT kicks in enough to help me stop feeling so nervous all the time so I can actually talk to my family like most people would.

So, yeah, things seem to be looking up for me, and I hope things continue this smoothly. As usual, if anyone would like to help this site grow, then please consider pledging to my Patreon account, or simply sharing my content and helping spread the word. The more people that know about me the better. Lastly, if you ever want to talk to me, feel free to stop by my Discord page where you will find me and my peeps, or simply go to one of the social media links at the top of the site. Anyway. take care ya’ll and remember; if Donald Trump can become the president of the United States, then there is no reason you can’t succeed to…

but you probably won’t be president.

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