TW: Sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, sex negativity, mentions of rape and pedophilia.

It is very rare that anything I write in regards to someone of any notable status is ever going to be seen by the person in question. As a result, I know how rare it is to be able to have myself heard by the people I talk about, so I try to write as if there is a chance it will happen just so that if it does, I can take full advantage of it. I know that people are complex human beings who have their own feelings and reasons for doing things and that it should always be possible to have a mature discussion with someone.

As such, after reading his recent review of the PC Port of Valkyrie Drive: Bhikkuni, and would like to offer Mr. Jed Whitaker a word of advice. Think of whatever it was that got you into your current position as a writer for Destructoid, and everyone and everything that helped you get into such a prestigious position in the game industry. Think of everyone else who helped you hone the skills and or pull whatever strings that helped you get here when hundreds of thousands of other and, let’s not kid ourselves here, far superior writers struggle to gain even a decimal percentage of the influence you have. Think of just how lucky you are to be in such a prestigious position and take a look at your most recent “review.” Think to yourself just how successful you are that you can openly put out something as soulless and effortless as this and have it published on one of the biggest video game journalism sites in the industry.  That you can get hundreds of thousands of pissed off gamers that are supposed to be your target audience and tarnish the name of your site even further, yet still keep your job when people have lost everything for much more benign fuckups. Be sure to thank whatever god or entity there is that you have this job because if this were based on the quality of your effort alone, you wouldn’t even be qualified to clean a McDonalds restroom.

And yes, I am saying this without reading any of Mr. Whitaker’s previous work, and I am doing so because I don’t need to. Even if he has written some of the most brilliant, insightful, and eye opening media critiques ever put to pen it still would not change what I have to say. The reason I say this is because a piece of writing like this only exists when someone just does not give a fuck. When they don’t give a fuck about their fans, about their career, about their reputation, about their employer’s reputation, or about the people who spent hours of their days working on this game and that were kind enough to send you a copy of for review, only for you to not even put in the effort to do a proper review.

Now let me get one thing straight; there is nothing wrong with saying a game is shit when you got a review copy from a developer. However, anyone with a conscience might be a bit more considerate before libeling its developers and player base as pedophiles without taking the opportunity to provide any constructive criticism. Let me just say that, as someone who has been an active GameFAQs contributor for about 5 years, that if this review were submitted to GameFAQs as a user review, it would be rejected, or it would be up for a little bit until it gets flagged as a troll review, which will prompt Allen, the site’s administrator, to look over it and then promptly delete it.

Furthermore, this review is only 591 words long. The bare minimum for posting on GameFAQs is 400 words, but even then, just breaking that limit does not ensure that it wouldn’t get rejected. This is not a review, it’s a fucking forum post! This is what constitutes a “professional review” these days. However, it’s about time to take a look at the actual content of the review in question. You can read the review in full here (don’t worry, it’s an archive, not going to reward Destructoid any clicks for this piece of rubbish.

Another day, another shitty port of a Vita booby game releasing on Steam, and wouldn’t you know, it’s buggy as hell. Heck, it wasn’t all that great to begin with according to CJ’s review of the original release which I more or less agree with, at least negativity wise.
For those unfamiliar, this is a game by the Senran Kagura producer, another ‘popular’ booby game series, only instead of being a fighting game, this is more of a button-mashing beat-’em-up similar to the Warriors series. Spoilers: You never get to see tits because I guess Japanese developers like teasing or at the very least frown upon child nudity; can’t blame them, most people do. There are robots that grab boobs and incestuous kissing, however.

So yes, Jed is another sex negative slut shaming chauvinist who is unable to see past women’s bodies. If you have big boobs or a sexy body, that’s all you are to Jed. Senran Kagura is a series that is known for having one of the strongest and most well developed female casts in gaming, or at least it is to those who have played them that aren’t thinly veiled male chauvinists attempting to virtue signal their respect for women by disrespecting women or 2nd waver bigots who are likely TERFs as well. On top of this, I’d like to make note of the casual xenophobia thrown in here.

Just about everyone has made a “Japan is insane” joke, but the joke has gotten old a long time ago and now it’s just bitter and sad. To still see people making this joke comes across less like a silly gag and more as if they actually have a vendetta against Japan, or at the very least their video games and animation. These major gaming sites will almost always hold anything that looks too anime or otaku like to ridiculous standards that they will never hold western games to and instead attack Japanese culture as a whole instead of trying to understand that maybe not everything is like in Amurica.

And no it isn’t a valid argument to compare more lax standards of sexuality to Sharia law, although maybe he would actually prefer the latter. It is amazing just how hypocritical these faux feminists in the gaming community are in regards to blatant xenophobia against the Japanese despite the focus on intersectionalism. If you don’t believe me, I have, on more than one occasion, been called a pedophile by TERFs for having an anime girl as my Twitter avatar, an anime girl that wasn’t even a small child. A lot of these same disgusting bigots have claimed that Japan “has a serious pedophilia problem” and or that anime is creating or encouraging pedophilia. Is this really the type of crowd you want to associate yourself with Mr. Whitaker? Also, Senran Kagura isn’t a fighting game.

Instead of going in-depth and reiterating things already said in our Vita review, I’ll just give you a quick breakdown. You play as a selection of big (and identically) titted teens sent to an island to cure them of a virus that makes them turn into weapons. During battles, which are button-mash fests consisting of the same few combos that every character does, sometimes their clothes rip while they look into the camera in horror, which is more than a bit rapey. Eventually, the girls are fighting in just their panties, because of course they are.
There’s some kind of shallow relationship sim buried in here that consists of running past characters and collecting their piss-yellow hearts over and over between stages. Doing this enough eventually unlocks special conversations, most of which have nothing to say (like most of the game, but I’ll get to that) or just over-the-top stupid conversations about pubic hair color and boobs, which are neither funny nor sexy. There are real-time conversations between the repetitive story’s stages, during which the girls’ boobs jiggle crazily every time they move; I mean these things look like water balloons floating in space, even fully clothed. It just looks awkward.
I didn’t take in much of the story, mostly because I’ve never played a game with so much dialogue that does little to nothing but artificially extends a game that is already too long for its own good. Characters literally discuss what food they would like to eat and the weather or randomly talk about groping each other out of the blue for seemingly no reason. After around two levels worth of these scenes, I started to skip them all but the very end. No regrets.
“Ah yes, I know that this game is artificially extended from all the cutscenes I didn’t watch.” And he is seriously bitching about characters having support conversations because god forbid we add a bit of personality to the game. Hey Jed, just because you’re a shallow pervert who is incapable of seeing women as anything more than the parts of their body does not mean that everyone else does. Oh and let’s not forget the horrors of having lesbian characters talk about sex. God forbid we acknowledge the fact that two women are capable of experiencing romantic or yes, even sexual attraction to each other. Oh and do not even think about using any bullshit arguments about “objectification” either. Any female character is only as objectified as you want them to be, and the fact that you are incapable of viewing them as anything but objectified speaks volumes about your views on women as a whole. Also to quickly touch on the whole “herp derp tey r uhndar aajuh” argument, these characters do NOT look like fucking kids!
Valkyrie Drive: Bhikkuni | Groping
I bet it was Jed.

This is not the first time I’ve touched on this subject, as a while back I did a rant about Lousie Mensch claiming that Keijo was child porn because one of the characters had a flat chest… then proceeding to post a nude image of said character in the same article and thus contradicting their own claim. But hey, there was at least some argument provided there, but what do we have for this one, the schoolgirl uniforms? Oh gee, well then apparently there are a lot of child porn videos over on Pornhub because anyone who wears a schoolgirl outfit instantly becomes underage. Oh and stop trying to label anything as “rapey” that doesn’t involve unconsensual sex. You sound like a fucking TERF!

Port-wise the game runs smooth and doesn’t appear to drop any frames, even during boss fights which are in contrast to the Vita version. But for a stable framerate, you’re basically trading stability in for headaches. In my time with the game, I experienced various crashes, the game refusing to recognize the controller I’d been using, the audio cutting out, and eventually the game refusing to work while my controller was plugged in. This is why I didn’t bother with the online modes or any other supplementary modes — I don’t have enough time or patience to deal with bugs on good games, let alone ones I loathe.
Not only is this game buggy as hell, but it offers nothing of value whatsoever. All the characters look nearly identical aside from one or two, the boob physics are awful, the combat is repetitive, and there is little to no variety. Hell, even across the tons and tons of underwear I unlocked, most were just reskins. If you’re looking for fun gameplay or anime girl tits, you’re better off looking elsewhere.
 Wait, after whinging about this game being too perverted, NOW you’re going to start critiquing the game’s sex appeal? The boob physics are awful? WHAT THE HELL ARE GOOD BOOB PHYSICS TO YOU? And no fucking shit underwear is reskins, that’s all underwear is in real life! It’s the same piece of clothing with a different design! Oh also not to mention he ends it with the most cliche review ending phrase there is next to “buy it now!” “Oh you’re better off looking elsewhere, even though I can’t name where else to look!” Yeah maybe you aren’t the one we should be coming to if we’re looking for anime tits. Jed is to ecchi as Donald Trump is to reading executive orders, as Amy Schumer is to comedy, and as Milo Yiannopoulos is to dignity!
Lastly, even if the actual observations made about the game are accurate, it still doesn’t matter. No one is going to take this review seriously. No one wanting any legit information will see this as anything other than unprofessional biased drivel, and none of the developers will take this review seriously either. However, you will get a slew of gamers who will proceed to buy this game now that you’ve made them aware of it, or maybe some who will do so out of spite. Hell I kinda want to do that myself but I have a review schedule I need to manage, but for anyone else, I’ll provide a few links here.
-Vita standard version.
Vita Limited Edition
-Steam version
Hell while I’m at it, here are a bunch of other sexy anime girl games you can support just to piss off pricks like Jed. Just be careful not to go too crazy. Of course the real way to handle things is to simply email Destructoid themselves and tell them that this review has dissuaded you from wanting to visit their site and that they should have higher standards for their reviews, or start emailing their advertisers again if necessary, but this stuff is just for good measure.
Senran Kagura Burst (E-shop)
Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus (Playstation Store)
Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus (Steam)
Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus (Limited Edition)
Senran Kagura Bon Appetit! (Playstation Store)
Senran Kagura Bon Appetit! – Full Course (Steam)
Senran Kagura 2: Deep Crimson
Senran Kagura Estival Versus (Vita Version)
Senran Kagura Estival Versus (PS4 Version)
Senran Kagura Estival Versus (Steam Version)
Senran Kagura Peach Beach Splash – No Shirt, No Shoes, All Service Edition
Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;birth Limited Edition Trilogy Pack (PC)
Hyperdimension Neptunia Hypercollection (PS3)
Megadimension Neptunia VII (PS4)
Megadimension Neptunia VII (PS4 Digital)
Megadimension Neptunia VII (Steam)
Hyperdimension Neptunia PP (Vita)
Hyperdevotion Noire: Goddess Black Heart (Vita)
Hyperdevotion Noire: Goddess Black Heart (Steam)
Hyperdimension Neptunia U: Action Unleashed (Vita)
Hyperdimension Neptunia U: Action Unleashed (Steam)
MegaTagmension Blanc + Neptune VS Zombies (Vita)
MegaTagmension Blanc + Neptune VS Zombies (Steam)
Superdimension Neptune VS Sega Hard Girls (Vita)
Superdimension Neptune VS Sega Hard Girls (Steam)
Cyberdimension Neptunia: 4 Goddesses Online (PS4)
Mugen Souls (PS3)
Mugen Souls Limited Edition (PS3)
Mugen Souls (Steam)
Mugen Souls Z (PS3)
Mugen Souls Z (PS3 Digital Code)
Mugen Souls Z Limited Edition (PS3)
Mugen Souls Z (Steam)
GalGun Double Peace (PS4)
Yeah, that should probably be enough. Anyway this has probably been the angriest and most viscous rant I have made thus far, or at least one of them. On top of that, I was already working on another rant piece, which will be up fairly soon. Anyway see you all soon and may everyone have a great day except for Jed Whitaker, cause you suck!
It is hard to offer any serious piece of criticism when it’s clear nothing of substance was ever attempted. If you really despise these games so much that you are unable to put in a serious amount of effort into them, don’t accept review copies for them. If you don’t like ecchi titles then that’s fine, but that’s your own preference. When you bring others into it, that’s where the line is drawn
If you enjoyed this article and would like to see more like it on a regular basis, then please consider pledging to the Guardian Acorn Patreon page to help support me and this site, or simply sharing my articles on social media and following if you don’t want to spend any money.

25 thoughts on “Rant: Destructoid’s Valkyrie Drive: Bhikkuni “Review” is Garbage (And So is Jed Whitaker).

  1. It’s especially funny when you remember that Jed owns a ton of weeb sex stuff including hug pillows and boob mousepads. He’s also a shameless fan of Criminal Girls, so you have a healthy dose of hypocrisy as well.

    Proof: https://archive.is/iI5bo

    Like

  2. Wow! Calls fans of Valkyrie Drive pedophiles for liking women with big boobs, yet is okay with a game that actually has lolis? Seems like an odd choice to me. Granted there’s nothing wrong with that but it sure as hell isn’t consistent.

    Like

  3. If you like tits, go to hell!
    If you don’t like tits, to to hell!
    if you don’t like people who do like tits, go to hell!!
    If you tell people who don’t like people who do like tits to go to hell, you’re anti LGBTWTFBBQ!!

    Meanwhile, how are the graphics? The framerate? does it have splitscreen co-op? Is it challenging? Does it glitch out often? Jesus tapdancing Christ how is the game already?

    Does anybody think this is what video game journalism is supposed to be? Anybody?

    Like

  4. That is precisely what I think game reviews should be, and is how I create my own reviews (I mean the stuff you said not what you were making fun of). To be technical, the review did say some of that stuff, but it had no elaboration and made no effort to provide any level of context or information. A reviewer’s job should be to properly convey what their experience is like in a way that the reader will understand, and shouldn’t be the length of a forum post, especially when it’s on a professional site.

    Like

  5. Oh, this is a wonderful piece indeed. I’m a former Destructoid reader and…yeah, Jed’s partially why I gave the place the old heave-ho. 😦 But Lordy, do I wish your rant graced Destructoid instead of that Valkyrie Drive article. As you noted, it’s more technically accurate since it doesn’t e.g. mis-label Senran Kagura as a fighter. Whew…

    Honestly the game itself (Valkyrie Drive) looks substandard and meh, but then he should’ve hammered it for those aspects, not unleashed a tirade against his audience & the “sort of” folks who’d buy a game like this. It’s setting a hostile tone from the get-go. Then…either, a) why’s he set himself up for blowback OR b) why not hand off the port overview to another, less prickly reviewer. Ehh. I dunno. I don’t call any shots.

    Might stick around for more of your writings. This one was smashing good. 🙂 From across the ocean, cheers~.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks. I am glad to hear that you enjoyed it. And if I’m honest, I actually have more of an interest in this game now than I did prior to the PC port’s release. Not just out of spite for this atrocious review, but also because I’ve seen a lot more people saying very good things about it than when the Vita version came out, where the only impression I got was Oprainfall’s review which was a 7/10 saying it was inferior to Senran Kagura story wise if I recall correctly. Anyway I hope you enjoy my other stuff.

    Like

  7. As soon as “negative Destructoid review” was mentioned, many of us knew it was that attention seeking white knight before actually seeing it. This is Jed “Raping Some Zombie Bitch Cunts With My Peashooter” Whitaker, we’re talking about.

    He claimed that vid was satire but the DMCA crusade he went on, to try and wipe it from existence was telling. He’s a hypocrite like most of his goony bearded kind and only jumped on the social justice bandwagon to gain relevance and street cred with all the gender studies majors currently plaguing games “journalism”.

    And you’re right, all this pearl clutching has an equal and opposite effect. I had never played a lewd Japanese game before all this nonsense started, now I’ve played and enjoyed many.

    Anyways good rant 👍

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m a former community member of Dtoid and Jed was already generally disliked back then. The impression among the community was he was only kept around because his articles were so stupid they generated a shitton of clicks and comments, far more than anyone else. The normal article would have 100 or so comments, but Jed’s would generate a thousand because everybody came in there to tell him he is an idiot. That was basically all he was good for back then and I doubt that has changed. Everybody just laughed at him back then too. This shit here is really nothing new. Look at his other articles, you’ll see a clear pattern. I guess this is also why his Patreon failed so spectacularly, because he tried to cash in on that sweet crowdfund money, but nobody wanted to give him anything (the most I ever saw it earn was 27$). Jed’s only skill is writing articles to shitty that it will rile up a storm in a teacup, because lord knows he isn’t even good enough for a decent, big shitstorm.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That definitely sounds about right. And wow, only $27 with that level of views? My current Patreon earning rate is $17 and prior to this article, this site got around 10-20 views per day. Just goes to show that views aren’t everything.

    Like

  10. I did a whole video a long time ago about his review of DOAX3, which he didn’t get a review copy of, he personally paid to have his own copy imported to him to fully do exactly like he did here, gripe about boobs and shame people who wanted to play the game, BC truly only misogynistic pervs only wanna play these games right…

    Anyway, his writing has always been like this and its odd how much he complains about objectification of women in games, he is apparently Gay, also judging by things he has said before on Twitter he is an insufferable human to live with. If you or, anyone wants to see the vid I made about review feel free.

    Great write up quite enjoyed it, tried to follow you on Twitter seems ur using a Block List BC I’m blocked and never spoke to you prior, w/e ur prerogative, but credit where it is due.

    May CHAOS forever be you favor – Lord Nurgle

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That is strange, I don’t recall using any type of blocklist before. What is your username? I can unblock you if this was the case. And yeah, if he is gay then that just makes this even stupider. He’s NOT this game’s target audience. I really dislike Yaoi, but you aren’t going to see me bashing it just for being Yaoi, and if I was going to, I’d try to go in depth enough to talk about whether or not it appeals to its target audience as opposed to just mindlessly bashing it.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s